Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is a 1994 Warner Bros. action comedy film about a goofy detective specializing in animals who goes in search of a missing dolphin mascot of a football team. It was shot in Miami, Florida.
- [Aguado stomps on a cockroach.]
- Aguado: Homicide, Ventura. Now how you gonna solve that one?
- Ace Ventura: Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... porking his wife!
- Aguado: Why, you- [attacks Ace; he misses]
- Ace: [takes him down and holds his face near the dead bug] Now, kiss and make up.
- Roger Podactor: Who's he?
- Melissa Robinson: Roger Podactor, meet Ace Ventura. He's our pet detective.
- Podactor: [shakes Ace's hand.] Nice to meet you, you were highly recommended by Martha Metz.
- Ace Ventura: Martha Metz? Oh, yeah, the bitch.
- Podactor: What?
- Ventura: Pekingnese, hyperactive, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her. [looks at the tank area] Is that the tank? Excuse me. [walks off with Melissa and Roger standing in disbelief]
- Ace Ventura: [speaking through his rear opera-style] Assholimio... Osodomia...Lea-- [sees Lois Einhorn] HOLY...testicle Tuesday!
- Lois Einhorn: What the hell is he doing here?
- Ventura: I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
- [at the crime scene following Roger Podacter's death]
- Ace: Oh there is just...one more thing, Lieutenant. This lady heard a scream, isn't that right?
- Lady: Yes.
- Ace: And this gentleman says he opened this door, correct?
- Man: Yeah.
Ace Ventura: You're certain you had to open this door!
- Man: Yeah, I'm certain.
- Lois Einhorn: What's the point, Ventura?!
- Ventura: Only this... [walks out to the balcony and begins singing like an opera singer while opening and closing the door; no one can hear him when the door is closed] This is double-paned soundproof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony, and the killer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh!? Huh!? Huh!? [mimics Tangina character from Poltergeist movie] I have exorcised the demons! This house is clear. Losers?
- Einhorn:[everyone stares in shock] GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
- Ventura: [starts making his way out with Melissa while looking at everyone, holding his fingers like an L] LOSERS! Leh-hew, ze-hers!
- Ronald Camp: Who is he, a friend?
- Melissa Robinson: No, this is--this is my date. He's a lawyer.
- Camp: Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "lawyer"?
- Robinson: No, this is Ace. Um, Tom Ace.
- Ventura: Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific. I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at Stanford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
- Camp: [nervously] Very, very well, thank you.
- Ventura: [to Melissa] Oh. Look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres. [looks suspiciously at Camp]
- Ace Ventura: Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [Ray's father peers out of the doors peephole, pointing a shotgun directly at Ace's face] And a clean pair of shorts.
- Mr. Finkle: What do you know about Ray Finkle?
- Ventura: [breathes deeply] Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and [drawls] one hell of a model American. [takes deep breath]
- Mr. Finkle: Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?
- Ace Ventura: No, sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. [weeps] This is my Graceland, sir.
- [Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head]
- Ace Ventura: [begging] Don't kill me! Please! I'll never tell anyone, I swear... [indicates Marino] He's the one you want! Kill him!
- Dan Marino: No, kill him! He's the detective!
- Ventura: No, kill him! He held the ball wrong, remember?! Come on, look at the guy! [startled at Einhorn shooting into the air]
- Marino: [to Ace] Cry-baby.
- Ventura: [to Dan] Jock.
- Marino: Wimp.
- Ventura: Muscle-head.
- Lois Einhorn: SHUT UP!
- Einhorn: Shoot him! SHOOT HIM!
- Emilio: Hold your fire! [Melissa drags Emilio into the area with a gun pointed at him] Don't shoot.
- Melissa: Put your guns down or this cop gets it. I mean it! [cocks gun and puts it under Emilio's chin]
- Emilio: She's not joking!
- Einhorn: HE KIDNAPPED SNOWFLAKE! He killed Roger Podacter, and he was just about to kill Dan Marino and ME!
- Ace: Oh-ho-HO! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening. For instance: if you were to look up professional football's all-time bonehead plays... you might read about a former Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII. [takes deep breath and begins speaking at a faster clip] What you WOULDN'T read about is how Finkle lost his mind and was committed to a mental hospital, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hiker, manipulating his way to the top in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing! [gasps for air]
- Aguado: What the hell are you talking about?
- Ace: [pointing at Einhorn] SHE'S NOT LOIS EINHORN! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!
- Einhorn: He's lying...SHOOT HIM!
- Ace: [laughs] Let's see who's lying, shall we? Would a real woman have to wear one of these? [pulls on Einhorn's hair, assuming it's a wig] Boy that's really on there. But tell me this...would a real woman be missing these? [rips open Einhorn's blouse, revealing her breasts] That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt he could find time in his... busy schedule... to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish! [rips Einhorn's skirt off, believing she is hiding a penis, but gets nothing] Heh heh...oh boy.
- Dan Marino: Psst, Ace... come here.
- Ace: Would you excuse me for just one second? [Ace walks over to Marino, who whispers to him about something that leaves Ace agape] Ladies and gentlemen... my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids [Ace turns Einhorn around revealing a penis-shaped bulge near her rear end] I HAVE EVER SEEN! THAT'S why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winky!
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