30 Rock (2006–2013) is a primetime sitcom about a sketch comedy show originally called The Girlie Show and its head writer Liz Lemon. Although much of the series is written by head writer Tina Fey, the actors ad-lib a lot of the material.
- Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
- Tracy: Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.
- Liz: What white dudes?
- Tracy: All of 'em. Jack Donaghy. General Electric. George Bush. Karl Robe.
- Liz: Karl Robe, you say?
- Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.
- Liz: Sure.
The Aftermath [1.2]
- [Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan.]
- Liz: How you doin'?
- Jenna: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?
- Liz: Yeah.
- Jenna: And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
- Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
- Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.
- Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.
- Tracy: So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.
- Toofer: I'm doing good.
- Tracy: Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
- [Tracy leaves the room.]
- Frank: [to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.
Jack the Writer [1.4]
- Tracy: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
- Kenneth: Oh, okay.
- Tracy: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.
- Tracy: Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.
- Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.
- Liz: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.
- [Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]
- Jack: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "POS-MENS" of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.
Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]
- Dennis: Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
- Jack: The Beeper King, really?
- Liz: Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.
- Dennis: You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?
- Jack: I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.
- Liz: It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions.
- Dennis: Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.
- Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
- Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
- Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?
- Dennis: I don't think so.
- Liz: Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
- Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
- Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
- Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
- Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.
- Jack: Whenever I have a problem, I tackle it head on. A year ago I was an inch and a half shorter. Sheer willpower.
- Tracy: I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.
- Liz: Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.
Tracy Does Conan [1.7]
- Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
- Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
- Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
- Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
- Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
- Conan: What’s the hard way?
- Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
- Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
- Jack: Back at you, Red.
- Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
- Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?
The Break-Up [1.8]
- Tracy Jordan in drag talking with Frank Rossitano
- Frank: Yeah it's pretty good but I think the boobs should swing more.
- Tracy: Yeah then I could go "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom booms."
- [Man walks up to Liz at the bar]
- Gentleman:Excuse me, is this seat taken?
- Liz: [sighs] Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?
- [Man leaves]
- Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
- Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?
- Dennis: [Reading from a letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried… I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we’d be together forever. But there’s a new thing called "women’s liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I’ll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter’s rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.
The Baby Show [1.9]
- Liz: What's going on, business got ya down?
- Jack: Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.
- Tracy: This is untoward! This is not toward!
The Rural Juror [1.10]
- Jenna: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.
- Pete: Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.
- Jenna: Yeah, I know!
- Tracy: So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?
- Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart ] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine.
The Head and the Hair [1.11]
- Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
- Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
- Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
- [Jack, who has traded jobs with Kenneth, has bought Josh the wrong salad]
- Josh: Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?
- Jack: Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad.
- Josh: Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.
- Jack: Should I take it back?
- Josh: I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?
- Jack: That is correct.
- Josh: [angrily] Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?
- Kenneth: No, that's usually how it goes.
Black Tie [1.12]
- Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
- Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!
- Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
- Jenna: No, you're a good friend and thank you.
- Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.
- Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.
- Jack: A woman your age then.
Up All Night [1.13]
- Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
- Bianca: Fine.
- Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
- Bianca: Fine.
- Jack: I want all of our love letters.
- Bianca: [laughing] Fine.
- Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
- Bianca: Fine.
- Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
- Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.
The C Word [1.14]
- Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.
- Liz: Was Courtney Love not available?
- Tracy: Damn straight. I'm delightful.
- [attempting to explain the word used to insult her]
- Liz: It rhymes with your favorite Todd Rundgren album.
- Frank: It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?
Hard Ball [1.15]
- Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.
- Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?
- Jenna: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.
The Source Awards [1.16]
- Tracy: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.
- Liz: I truly don't like you as a person. [inspirational music starts playing] Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?
- Steven: Liz, I wish it could be like that... and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today.
- Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.
- Steven: No, no, no, no, no. [music stops] Some women are gay.
- Jack: That's where Donaghy Estates comes in. Now as you may have read in Robert Parker's Wine Newsletter, "Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus."
The Fighting Irish [1.17]
- Tracy: I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait... what was the question?
- Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?
- Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?
- Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.
- Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.
- Kenneth: Really? So did I!
- Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.
- Kenneth: Ok. What kinds of questions?
- Jack: I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?
- Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
- Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
- Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
- Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
- Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
- Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.
- Jack: No, Devon. I don't do that.
Corporate Crush [1.19]
- [Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack]
- Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
- Liz: How do you do that without turning around?
- Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.
- Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
- Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better than all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!
- Liz: You want to be Yoko?!
- Floyd: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.
- Colleen: [referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her?
- [Jack gives Liz a look]
- Liz: She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... white geisha.
- Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!
- Jack: You've got to get back to work and come up with something with or without Tracy, or we are gonna be screwed.
- Liz: Okay.
- Jack: Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say "Sock It To Me."
Seinfeld Vision [2.1]
- Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.
- Liz: MILF Island?
- Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.
- Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
- Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.
- Liz: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.
- Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Still talking?
- Liz: Oh. No, no no no. I haven't talked to him since... Whew... I dunno... August 9th, four seventeen PM...
- Jerry Seinfeld: Mhmm. It's not over.
- Liz: Oh no. It's over! I'm over it.
- Jerry Seinfeld: No. It's not over until you pick up the phone. You say "I don't love you anymore," they say "I don't love you anymore either." You go "great, I'll pick you up in twenty. Let's grab a scone."
- Liz: A scone! Yes! I want that! I'm gonna call him!
- Liz: Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?... Oh, he's in the shower... I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you? ...And your weight? ...And when was the last time you had intercourse? ...Who is this? Who is you? I is your worst nightmare, is who I is.
Liz: Hello, Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld: Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend. Liz: Yes, l did. Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well? Liz: No. lt didn't, Jer. A woman answered. Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her? Liz: I did a fake survey. Jerry Seinfeld: You did the fake survey?! Liz: l know! l'm not over it! And now l'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?! Jerry Seinfeld: Are you imitating me? Liz: No! This is what l sound like when l cry! Jerry Seinfeld: I think l'm a little insulted. Liz: You're insulted? I'm crying!
Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]
- Tracy: Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song!
- ["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]
- Tracy: [singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.
- Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
- Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.
- Kenneth: Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.
The Collection [2.3]
- Tracy: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.
- Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
- Liz: A businesswoman.
- Jack: I don't think that's a word.
Rosemary's Baby [2.4]
- Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
- Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
- Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
- Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.
- Jack: Are you an immigrant?
- Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
- Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.
- [Cerie is holding the refrigerator open]
- Greenzo: Here's a tip, Cerie. Decide what you want before you open the refrigerator. You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin!
- Frank: You ever take off that costume?
- Greenzo: You ever take off yours? Greenzo, out.
- Cerie: Did he just talk to me like I'm ugly?
Somebody To Love [2.6]
- Jack: What are you doing in Harlem?
- C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.
- Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.
- C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.
- Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry.
- C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.
- Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.
- Tracy: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?
- Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
- Jaime: I'm 20.
- Liz: Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
- Jaime: Are those friends of yours, or ...?
- Jack: So how did you two meet...Amber Alert?
Secrets and Lies [2.8]
- Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding; I know he doesn't care what humans do.
- Tracy: And finally, I'd like to thank you, Pacific Rimmers, for all that you've given us: karaoke, karate, and most of all... WANIZAME ATAKKU! SHARK ATTACK!
- James Carville: Cajun style.
- Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.
- [Others begin confessing their secrets.]
- Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.
- Woman: My children go to public school.
- Man #2: I'm gay.
- Man #3: I'm black.
- C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.
- Man #1: I murdered my wife.
- Tracy: [regarding his ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I'll just compromise: go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!
- Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.
Episode 210 [2.10]
- Kenneth: [about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!
- German: The machine is mankind’s madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.
- Jack: I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!
MILF Island [2.11]
- Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.
- Liz: I'm so sorry.
- Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...
- Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.
Subway Hero [2.12]
- Liz: No, we don't have a crazy..thing
- Dennis: Yeah we do! We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay...
- Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
- Jack: That's Republican. We count those.
- Tracy: Black people, don't vote! Did you know that in the amount of time it takes to vote you could play three games of pool? Three! Now that's fresh.
- Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing both thumbs at herself] This moi.
- Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?
- Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.
Sandwich Day [2.14]
- Liz: WHERE'S MY MAC AND CHEESE!?
- Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.
- Liz: WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?!?!
- Tracy: Lutz made us do it.
- Lutz: No, it was Frank.
- Kenneth: THAT'S IT! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon. Because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Tracy: Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth!
- Liz: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!
- Jenna: A drinking contest?!? What am I, 12 and at my boyfriend's frat party?!
- Kenneth: Alcohol? This smells like Hill-people milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!"
- Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.
- Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.
- Random Congressman at meeting: I can't support that. Dam is a swear word. I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a "god finger".
- Liz: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.
- Jack: That man can wear a sweater.
- Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt?
- Liz: Thank you, for that question, Bev. The world is a troubled place, and so many children in need of adoption worldwide...
- Bev: Infertility? or Other.
- Liz: Other.
Believe in the Stars [3.2]
- Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!
- Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.
- Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
- Jack: You're darn right he is, Kenneth.
- Jeffrey: Okay, I'm Jeffrey. I am a mediator, and you two are having a dispute. Now why is that?
- Jenna: Because Tracy thinks he can treat me unfairly because I'm a woman.
- Tracy: What? Please, we are here because white folks think they can do whatever they want to do to black folks. It's like when Adrien Brody kissed Halle Berry at the Oscars! White people stole jazz, rock 'n roll, Will Smith, and heart disease! Now they think they can take my hard-earned money.
- Jack: Be a white man. Take credit.
The One with the Cast of Night Court [3.3]
- Liz: No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.
- Jack: Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.
- Liz: What is wrong with you men? You're like junkies...why can't you just say no?
- Jack: Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack and their self-loathing translates into... never mind.
- Liz: You’re breaking union rules. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. And you’re potentially infringing on Warner Brothers intellectual property. Shut this down!
- Tracy: I want a different answer. Where’s Jack Donaghy?
- Liz: No there’s no more Jack. He’s dead to us. Break this down! Everybody out!
Gavin Volure [3.4]
- Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
- Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
- Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!
- Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
- Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!
- Liz: [after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway.
- Tracy: [jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I?
- Liz: Oh God, this dream again.
- Tracy: That's not me. That's a Tracy Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.
- Gavin Volure: He's gonna' do it! Gavin Volure's gonna' jump!
- Jack Donaghy: Don't Gavin! That's gotta be fifteen, sixteen feet!
- Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called; they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.
- Liz: I sure am.
- Kenneth: And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.
- Liz: That's his opinion.
- Tracy: Jenna, we're the most important people here, right?
- Jenna: Well, of course, Tracy. We're actors. If we didn't exist how would people know who to vote for?
Christmas Special [3.6]
- Liz: We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?
- Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.
- Tracy: In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo—
- Liz: Kwanzaa.
- Tracy: And shalamzazam to you too, my sister.
Senor Macho Solo [3.7]
- Tracy: They do that a lot in movies: An Affair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blaffair to Rememblack.
- Jack: Ongoing train wreck aside, I love this idea; it's great synergy. By putting a TV actress into the movie world we can promote both. It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile system we sell.
Flu Shot [3.8]
- Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?
- Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.
- Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.
- Jenna: But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.
- Tracy: So... go do that.
- Kenneth: Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.
- [long pause]
- Jenna: I don't understand.
- Kenneth: Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...
- Tracy: My what?!
- Kenneth: ...and go downstairs to the basement...
- Tracy: No!
- Kenneth: ...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...
- Tracy: With what? My arms?
- Kenneth: ...make sure to take your IDs with you.
- Tracy: That'll be the worst part!
Retreat To Move Forward [3.9]
- Jack: Lemon, this is a part of our problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.
- Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I don’t know how to say this… de-ay-bah-tees?
- Tracy: Diabetes?
- Dr. Spaceman: That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.
- Liz: That's what I could do to Drew.
- Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.
- Liz: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!
- Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.
- Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.
- Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.
- Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.
- Jack: But that's impossible.
- Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.
- Jack: You really think you can pull that off?
- Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.
- Jack: Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.
St. Valentine's Day [3.11]
- Elisa: You over-analyze everything with your big head!
- Jack: Well you have big boobs.
- Elisa: Which you'll NEVER touch again!!
- Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.
- Priest: Don't you have faith?
- Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
- Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
- Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
- Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
- Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.
- Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?
- Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?
- Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...
- Elisa: How dare you say such things so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues!
Larry King [3.12]
- Tracy: What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.
- Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?
- Tracy: You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.
Goodbye, My Friend [3.13]
- Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
- Frank: My client has no memory of that.
- Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
- Jack: Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.
- Liz: What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
- Jack: You've seen it?
- Liz: This is my life, Jack!
The Funcooker [3.14]
- Jack: I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.
- Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.
- Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?
The Bubble [3.15]
- Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.
- Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.
- Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.
- Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!
- Jack: I know.
- Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?
- Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.
- Liz: Can I keep that?
- Jack: No. It's my only copy.
- Jack: You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.
- Liz: Or thanked! ...on.
Apollo, Apollo [3.16]
- Dennis: [Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy.
- Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.
- Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.
- Liz: No, you're not.
- Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.
- Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.
- Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?
- Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!
- Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...
- Liz: You're done.
- Jack: What happens to us?
- Liz: We grow up.
- Jack: I had a good life, but I'll never be that happy again. I want THAT back.
- Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!
- Liz: That is solid.
- Jenna: [rapping] My name is Suri Cruise.
- Put your hands in the air!
- I came out of the womb
- With a full head of hair!
- Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!
- Jenna: Kenneth, you know how you told Tracy not to go into your bedroom? Well, naturally we assumed you were a serial killer, and as you can imagine, your bird is dead.
Jackie Jormp-Jomp [3.18]
- Tracy: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.
- Jenna: Oh I can play dead; I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.
- Tracy: Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.
The Ones [3.19]
- Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.
- Jack: I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.
- Elisa: [sneaks in] I'm sure it was!
- Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!
- Elisa: I have a terrible secret. Please don't ask me what it is.
- Liz: I don't want to know what it is! [Pause] Are you a man?
- Elisa: Really, Lemon? You want to see me naked?
- Liz: Kind of.
The Natural Order [3.20]
- Frank: We figured Lutz is never going to get married, but he wants a bachelor party, so we're taking him to a strip club. You wanna come?
- Tracy: Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you?
- Liz: Sure, I'll go.
- Tracy: All right!
- Liz: But you won't.
- Tracy: [gasp] Twist!
- Kenneth: [about his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.
Mamma Mia [3.21]
- Liz: If I have learned anything from my Sims family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
- Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty.
- Pete: No, that's ridiculous.
- Liz: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead—
- Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV—
- Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
- Liz: He might be seventy!
- Milton: One month I couldn't pay, so she said maybe there was something else I could give her. So I gave her my radio. Then a couple of weeks later, we got drunk and had sex.
Kidney Now! [3.22]
Season 4 [4.01]
- [A waitress brings Jack, Liz, Tracy and Jenna food]
- Jenna: What is this?
- Liz: Alright, Cheesy Blasters! [sings] You take a hotdog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza - You got Cheesy Blasters! [spoken] And then all the kids say "Thanks, Meat Cat!" and Meat Cat flies away on his, um, skate board.
- Jack: We'll trick those racecar-loving wide-loads into watching your lefty homoerotic propaganda hour yet!
- Jack: I like you, Kenneth, but you do not want to mess with me right now. I am in the middle of a RAGING PERIOD... of economic turmoil.
- Jack: Every division of the company is reaching out to the middle of the country. Our new mammogram machine is called the "Git 'R Done 2000".
Into the Crevasse [4.02]
- Liz: I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.
- Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.
Stone Mountain [4.03]
- Tracy: Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween, or Princeton Parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin...
- Kenneth: It's Halloween, sir.
- Tracy: Proud it is.
- Frank: Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy Pac-man was based off of, died.
- Tracy: I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
- Jack: Good God, Lemon, your breath! When did you find time to eat a diaper you found on the beach?
- Jack: The television audience doesn’t want your elitist, east coast, alternative, intellectual, left wing…
- Liz: Just say Jewish Jack, this is taking forever.
Audition Day [4.04]
- Jack: That's what I'm talking about, empathy. It's about as useless as the Winter Olympics... this February on NBC.
- Jenna: It's going to be a disaster! Like Katrina! Do you remember Katrina, that crazy girl from hair and make-up?
- Jenna: He's evil, Tracy!
- Tracy: He's evil Tracy? Oh, "He's evil" [comma], "Tracy."
The Problem Solvers [4.05]
- Kenneth: Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself. I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.
Sun Tea [4.06]
- Jenna: Drama is like gay-man Gatorade. It replenishes their electrolytes.
- Tracy: What made you change your mind?
- Jack: Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.
- Tracy: Well, I hope he made me an acrosse helmet so I don't get hurt playing acrosse! [seeing Jack's confused stare] Now come on, that's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of an hallucination.
Dealbreakers Talk Show No. 0001 [4.07]
- Jonathan: Sir, a Mr. Adouche is on the phone? I. M. Adouche.
- Jack: I am a douche? [winces] Banks!! [picks up phone] What do you want?
- Devon: Did you say it?
- Jack: No, I knew right away.
- Jack: Moron says what?
- Devon: What?
- [Jack snickers and closes the phone]
- Devon: Moron says what? Jack? ...Jack?
Secret Santa [4.08]
- Jack: Weird... in a good way. Like going to the gym drunk.
- Tracy: Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why: it's because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
- Liz: Really - you want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... like a... bird, like a friendly bird, that embraces all... ideas, and just like, shoots... out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.
- Jack: Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.
Black Light Attack [4.10]
- Liz: No, Jack. You were just talking about how you miss office hookups. That is a double standard.
- Jack: Calm down.
- Liz: I won't calm down. Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.
- Danny: She has really thin lips, but she makes up for it with tongue girth.
Winter Madness [4.11]
- Liz: Ugh, I hate January. It's dark and freezing and everyone's wearing bulky coats; you can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless.
- Liz: So what's going on with you and Nancy, anyway?
- Jack: We're just friends. It's platonic. I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.
Anna Howard Shaw Day [4.13]
- Avery: Who is number one in your speed dial?
- Jack: BlackBerry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffet.
- Avery: Favorite movie?
- Jack: Tie -- The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.
- Liz: If I die, my ghost is gonna haunt you!
- Frank: Then your ghost is going to see some disgusting stuff.
Future Husband [4.14]
- Jenna: Future husband? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"?
- Liz: I have absolutely no idea.
- Jenna: Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk.
- Liz: Oh my God, the dentist's office!
- Jenna: Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?
Don Geiss, America and Hope [4.15]
- Jack: He built GE into the greatest company on Earth, and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe!
- Tracy: It's like a black barbie doll in Arizona - nobody's buying it!
- Liz: Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.
- Wesley: So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes?
- Liz: No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.
- Wesley: [annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the stuffy Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!
Lee Marvin VS Derek Jeter [4.17]
- Jack: Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.
- Liz: I feel like you've been saving that one.
- Jenna: Jerem! Look how drunk I am and how full of cheese my mouth is!
- Jerem: That's not that much cheese.
- Jerem: I'm Jerem! I collect posters!
- [On the phone]
- Tracy: Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.
- Liz: What?
- Tracy: Don't throw a party for vengence. It will turn on you... like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
- Liz: There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.
- Kenneth: Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.
- Liz Lemon: Why is everyone codenamed Badger?
- Kenneth: I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.
- Liz Lemon: No, I said I didn't care.
- Liz Lemon: Word of advice: If the will says you have to spend the night in a haunted house you better hope that everyone else there is black guys and sluts.
The Moms [4.20]
- Buzz Aldrin: I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
- Liz Lemon: Yes, please.
- [Both turn to the moon]
- Buzz Aldrin: I own you!
- Liz Lemon: You dumb moon!
- Buzz Aldrin: I walked on your face!
- Liz Lemon: Don't you know it's day? Idiot!
Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land [4.21]
- Tracy: I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.
- Wesley: I don't want to go back to England. I can't suffer through the London Olympics — we're not prepared, Liz. Did you see the Beijing Opening Ceremonies? We don't have control over our people like that!
I Do Do [4.22]
- Jack: The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am, I do do.
- Liz: Yeah, you do.
- Jack: Grow up, Lemon.
- Wesley: Fine, it's your loss. There's only one Wesley Snipes in the world.
- Liz: You know there isn't!
- Wesley: Ugh!
The Fabian Strategy [5.01]
- Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."
- Jack: A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!
- Jenna: Your health insurance will remain in effect until the end... of this sentence.
- Jenna: Although I'm great at this, I'm really not necessary. Hmmm, the last time I said that I was in a three-way with two Backstreet Boys.
When it Rains, it Pours [5.02]
- Tracy: I'm embarrassed to say I've missed the birth of both of my sons, for very legitimate reasons.
- Dotcom: "Cooking a French bread pizza" and "forgot".
- Jack: [making lessons DVD] In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.
Let's Stay Together [5.03]
- Jenna: I'm gonna to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely, and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.
- Regina Bookman: The FUTURE. And AMERICA. Now I may have lost my train of thought SEVERAL minutes ago, but if I continue to TALK LIKE THIS, no one will NOTICE, and when I STOP, you will APPLAUD my ENERGY! Thank you!
- Jack: Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes.
Live Show [5.04]
- Jack: Does it seem weird to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera. Good God, I can see every line and pore on your face.
- Liz: Yeah, well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was killing the lab rats'...Ugh what was it?... brains!
- Kenneth: A Mr. Brett 'Fav-ray' stopped by and, uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog.
- Jenna: Finally.
- Kenneth: Oh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.
- Jenna: So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?
- Kenneth: Also, your pharmacy called, and apparently you can't get a prescription for ecstasy.
- Jenna: Ugh, thanks, Obamacare!
- Liz: Wow, you were very fit back then.
- Jack: Yes, but my penis was smaller.
- Liz: Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. I'm sorry I'm a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.
- Jack: Making through a full 24 hours without a single misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who have ever done it: Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and—no judgment—Saddam Hussein.
- Jack: You're Liz Lemon, damn it. In certain lights, you're an 8! Using East Coast, over-35 standards, excluding Miami.
- Jack:You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried?
- Jack:That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.
Gentleman's Intermission [5.06]
- Jack: Certainly you can't be surprised that there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there. Don't you ever Google yourself?
- Tracy: Sure, I google myself all the time, like when Angie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a hotel.
- Jenna: What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney. I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of Trivial Pursuit.
- Erica: I know who you are, Miss Maroney, but you're not on the list. They only make obits for people they think are, you know, important.
- Jenna: [grabs list and reads] Like who? "Kim Jong-il?" I've never heard of her.
- Dick Lemon: Hey, Liz. It's your father, Dick Lemon.
- Liz: Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.
- Dick Lemon: Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you.
Brooklyn Without Limits [5.07]
- Liz: Sometimes you have to do the right thing even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier, die Werewolf Zombie, die.
- Liz: What's going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?
- Jack: You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract.
- Jack: She’s courting the youth vote. That means she’s desperate.
- Jonathan: My generation never votes. It interferes with talking about ourselves all the time.
- Liz: Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits: crunchy on the outside, right wing nutjob on the inside.
- Jack: Like Ann Coulter's underwear.
- Jack: Good God, Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.
- Liz: [My jeans] are from Brooklyn Without Limits, this very cool store with locations in Gaytown, White Harlem, and the Van Beardswick section of Brooklyn.
- Liz: Usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler, but today I feel like... Hitler in Germany.
- Jack: Pete and I are having a little college night.
- Liz: Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?
- [Liz begins shoving an entire pizza into her mouth]
- Jack: Oh God! She means the pizza!
- Pete: She’s unhinging her jaw!
- Jenna: This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks: No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh, I showed them all.
- Liz: Come on, my card only has a 1 in 52 chance of getting picked anyway.
- Tracy: How did you know that? You’re like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?
- Liz: Zero.
- Tracy: We need to go to Vegas.
Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish [5.09]
- Jenna: Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.
- Jack: Lemon, I want you to get better because, and I mean this, I’m tired of talking this much to a woman I’m not having sex with.
- Jack: I believe that when you have a problem, you talk it over with your priest, or your tailor, or the mute elevator porter at your men's club, and you take that problem and crush it with your mind vise. But for lesser beings like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help.
Mrs. Donaghy [5.11]
- Jack: This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.
- Liz: Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.
- Liz: My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts, and Feelings. As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge 5 million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world: what is art?
- Jack (to TV): We know what art is: it's paintings of horses!
- Liz: See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding.
- Liz: For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.
Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning [5.12]
- Liz: Doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.
- Frank: There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vinatage t-shirt stores and a banjo.
- Liz: You are disgusting! And I have absolutely no reason to apologise to him.
- Tracy: And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
¡Que Sorpresa! [5.13]
- Jack: Michael Kors is a friend —- we own a gay racehorse together —- and I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable this winter.
Double-Edged Sword [5.14]
- Kenneth: The Empire State Building will be lit in the color of your choosing.
- Tracy: Clear.
- Kenneth: Sea World will now let you borrow a killer whale for spring break.
- Tracy: I'll need a whale saddle.
- Kenneth: And Steven Spielberg wants you to star is his next movie.
- Tracy: Kate Capshaw's husband?!
- Liz: If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?
It's Never Too Late for Now [5.14]
- Jenna: I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway!
- Liz: My fanny pack is in my office in my mini-fridge. I like my tampons to be cold.
TGS Hates Women [5.16]
- Jack: New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.
[when Jack arrives at Kaylee's school to confront her]
- Kaylee: Mr. Donaghy! What are you doing here?
- Jack: I could ask you the same thing! But it would make no sense.
- Kaylee: The ocean is for tools.
- Jack: The ocean is awesome and for winners. You're for tools!
- Jack: They'll say "Jack Donaghy was the greatest oceanographer who ever lived. And we walruses owe Him everything for giving us the gift of language."
Queen of Jordan [5.17]
- Jenna: Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera, and maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course not. I mean, is wine-throwing something that even gets you on a reality show?
- Angie: D'Fwan, glue in the business weave.
- Angie: As you know, my single, "My Single Is Dropping," is dropping.
- Jack: I only pass gas once a year, for an hour, atop a mountain in Switzerland.
- Jack: There is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. "Oh, the men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls..." Okay, I hear it now.
Plan B [5.18]
- Pete: Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society—by which I mean I got fired.
I Heart Connecticut [5.19]
- Jenna: Listen up, Fives. A Ten is speaking.
- Jack: Congratulations. According to the transitive property, you just defeated Muammar Qaddafi in arm wrestling.
- Dotcom: This would have really bothered me in my 20's.
100: Parts 1 & 2 [5.20]
- Jack: Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.
- Liz: Really? Is it from that pie place?
- Jack: And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.
- Liz: Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....
- Jack: There is no pie!
Everything Sunny All The Time Always [5.22]
- Jack: When she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
- Liz: I’ve just had a hard couple of months. Work has been crazy, and I went through a bad break up, and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death.
- Dr. Spaceman: Sounds like you can use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.
- Paul: This is a conservative top, Jenna. And I hate to be the stereotypical man, but this is my home and I want to wear this blouse.
Dance Like Nobody’s Watching [6.01]
- Jack: This thing's a real cash cow - unlike Cash Cow, the NBC spinoff of Cash Cab. You try riding a cow through midtown Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.
Idiots are People Two [6.02]
- Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.
- Denise Richards: Don't talk to me like I'm stupid! I played a nucular psychiatrist in a James Bonk movie!
Idiots are People Three [6.03]
- Criss: You don't use the tab closers on cereal boxes!
- Liz: If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.
- Kelsey Grammer (performing as Abraham Lincoln): I know that future generations will forge a stronger country, and that, someday, America will be a place... where everybody knows your name.
The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell [6.04]
- Amy: Ugh, I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.
- Liz: Let me imagine what Peeta Mallark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.
Today You Are a Man [6.05]
- Accountant: My son Adam is a huge, huge fan!
- Tracy: Yes, many of our viewers are obese.
- Jack: Whatever you do, don’t speak first. Ninety percent of negotiations are lost by the person who speaks first. Because what is speaking a sign of?
- Audience member: ...weakness?
- Jack: You - out. Fired.
Hey Baby, What’s Wrong? [6.06/6.07]
- Jack: Oh, Diana, you’re here, I thought you’d be at the house.
- Diana: Oh yes, I dropped my bags off and shook hands with the baby but I wanted to come talk to you about Avery’s situation.
- Jack: Extracting an American from North Korea is a, ah, is a lot more difficult than arranging a round robin paddle tennis tournament.
- Diana: What about arranging three round robin paddle tennis tournaments?
- Jack: You know what? Avery loved a good fight. She used to call the cable company to dispute our bill just for the sport of it. She wouldn’t stand for this dog and pony show.
- Diana: I’ve organized several dog and pony shows and I’m offended by what you’re implying.
- Jack: How are you Avery’s mother?
- Diana: We have several things in common, Jack. We both married much, much older men -- which can be hard, or more often flaccid.
The Tuxedo Begins [6.08]
- Jack: This is a sign. The lower classes are getting cranky about the rich earning all of their money away from them. Can’t they see this is in their best interest? How could we pay their salaries without using their money? We’re on the verge of a class war.
- Jack: You have no interest in helping me. You’re one of them. What do you make, five figures?
- Lenny Wozniak: Forty grand a year. But don’t let the woman who is blackmailing me know that.
- Jack: And the police have no interest in helping me either – despite the hundreds of dollars a year I pay in taxes!
- Paul: Yawns are contagious. Like all the Thai STDs my penis is about to give you.
- Jack: Liddy is at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect.
- Tracy: I know what you’re doing. The first time I got mugged I didn’t leave my room for a week. I hid. But not in a tuxedo. All I had was a Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible. Like someone who wouldn’t get scared and freeze up when they got mugged.
- Young Tracy: Perfectly executed Chewbacca sound!
- Kenneth: Miss Lemon, are you okay? Aw! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.
Leap Day [6.09]
- Thad: And you – you were the star of The Sound of Music.
- Liz: Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show.
- Lutz: Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear!
- Liz: The hell?!
- Lutz: You’re not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day.
- Liz: So what? Leap Day is not a thing.
- Kenneth: [singing] Leap Day William, Leap Day William, bursting from the sea; will he bring his bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me?
- Liz: What the crap is going on in here?
- Kenneth: Why, Leap Day William is visiting!
- Liz: Leap Day William?
- Kenneth: Miss Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every four years to trade children’s tears for candy.
- Liz: What? No. But White Haven was founded by the Amish, and we really only celebrated their holidays.
Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky [6.10]
- Liz: ‘Cause living a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.
- Tracy: Wow, Jay Mo. You sound like a cop. And I should know. My uncle was a cop. In a porno.
- Jenna: Tracy, every blond actress in the business has done a pilot about a tough but pretty lady cop with special abilities. Mine was called Good Looking. I played Alexis Goodlooking, who was also good looking, and my special ability was being good at looking for clues.
- Lynn: Ma’am, I am in a Mexican prison gang. You kill me, Los Tiburones will greenlight a 187 on you, and you don’t want that kind of heat.
Standards and Practices [6.11]
- Tracy: I feel like Oscar the Grouch today. And not just ‘cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning startling someone named Gordon.
- Liz: In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid…
- Tracy: Oh, you’re the one who solved that? Thank you soooo much!
- Tracy: I finally understand the ending of The Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie!
St Patrick's Day [6.12]
- Tracy: This is probably some Hollywood prank. Like on the set of Ocean's 12 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie.
- Jack: The UN is useless, the State Department is full of Democrats, and as it turns out Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles…
- Liz: That explains all the vigils!
- Hazel: When I confronted him about it he was so condescending! He laughed at me, then he undressed me with his eyes. Then he had his way with me... with his eyes.
- Liz: Ugh, the male gaze.
- Hazel: Yeah, they're all a bunch of gays.
- Liz: Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television.
Kidnapped By Danger [6.14]
- Jack: You really are an extraordinary young man, Kenneth. No matter what happens, you always keep your chin up.
- Kenneth: Medically it's a neck ridge.
Murphy Brown Lied to Us [6.18]
- Stacy Keach: ...That's why I buy Bazooka Joe Gum. It's like chewing a mountain that someone shot a Freeze-Ray into.
- Tracy: Jenna, I've been thinking...
- Jenna: But Tracy, you're a celebrity.
Queen of Jordan 2: Mystery of the Phantom Pooper [6.20]
- Angie: I've never been so disrespected in my life! And I've been to, and worked at, the post office.
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